I was cleaning up old files the other day, and I came across this file name: ‘college essay.’
It was in such an old word format, I had to open it as a text file.
I have no idea what the question was, but I was clearly trying to persuade the folks in admissions that I was worthy of entry to their elite school.
I was trying to impress them and be humble at the same time.
I was trying to demonstrate my worthiness without being “too much.”
I was seventeen when I wrote this. I was a baby when I went to college.
I’ll be honest: It’s hard not to eye roll at my 17-year old self.
Many of us have a kinda weird relationship with money. Me too.
I’ve ranged from penny pincher — clipping coupons, checking my budget multiple times a day — to completely reckless — not looking at my balances for months on end. Hoping if I ignore it, maybe it would just go away. (Newsflash: it did. But not the way I’d hoped.)
Sometimes my behavior was related to how much money I was making, and sometimes it wasn’t.
In 2018, I promised myself I would take the bull by the horns and do whatever it took to heal this relationship. My theme for 2018 would be “Easy Money.”
Because until now, Money had been anything but easy.
I was on retreat last weekend with all the teachers from Wild Lotus Yoga.
This is the kind of staff retreat you don’t cringe at — there are no ice breaking games, no embarrassing stories, no faked camaraderie.
This was 26 yoga teachers and practitioners, coming together to practice, meditate, sing, and share. We did a little business, sure, but we mostly ate delicious vegetarian fare and had a yoga sleepover.
I arrived on Friday over-tired. I watched the thoughts in my head: “Why are we all wasting our time with this? Will anything productive happen? No one else really understands my business struggles.”
Y’all. It was a whirlwind of whining.
Yoga taught me to watch my thoughts. And in watching, to be free from them.
So I watched.
I will never forget the Tuesday I walked into my coach’s office at 7am, sat heavy on that cream sofa, and said “I just can’t do this anymore. I have to quit. I don’t know what I’m going to do instead, but I have to quit this job.”
And I did.
I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. I went directly to my boss’s office, closed the door, and resigned.